So this year’s housemates have settled in. By now they’re used to the constant observation, the blasting 24hr lights, sleeping with strangers, the horrible food and being bullied by Big Brother.
By now they’ll be discovering the reality of Big Brother – coping with mind-numbing boredom and the idiotic babble that inevitably fills the vacuum.
They’ll have realised - as painful as it can be – that being nominated, fighting with someone, or going cold turkey on sugar, caffeine and nicotine are nothing compared to staying sane.
Remember you can’t just go for a walk, visit a friend, or watch a DVD if your skull is imploding with the grinding tedium. (A little known fact is the amount of time housemates spend locked-up while the crew set things up – on Fridays you’re locked inside almost all day as the stadium is prepared for the games.)
And if you slip up and do or say something stupid because you’re so overtaken by the tedium – it could be the end of your stay.
If they’re smart the housemates will be developing their own daily and weekly routine – I know I did.
The week is easy. You spend Tuesday and Wednesday with your guard down. Nominations aren’t for a week so you can relax – even spend a little time by yourself, a precious hour or two of ‘Shut the F**k Up’ time - an ever so short break from the relentless verbal diarrhoea that is the real Big Brother experience.
Then spend Thursday and Friday looking forward to Friday Night Games and beginning to suck up to people – allocating time to everyone, asking questions about their lives and generally making them feel loved.
On Saturday and Sunday you recover from the week’s task and giving extra support to unfortunate nominees – this has the added advantage of ensuring they don’t bitch about you to Kyle and Jackie O if they get punted.
Of course this year’s nominations are a bit different this year, but the logic is the same.
So that’s the week – but what about day-to-day?
They’re best managed if divided into forty-five minute chunks. The first one is easy – the showers are on for half an hour and after a shave and a prolonged costume selection – the first chunk is done.
Then breakfast - if creatively spun out by doing the communal washing up – is a second chunk gone.
Then sunbaking, finished off by falling asleep and being punished for it by BB by being made to clean some windows by BB – mission accomplished.
Then washing a few shirts and a spontaneous chat - easy. Then lunch. Then a bit of task action. Then weights. Then a run. Then a swim in the pool and a lounge in the spa. Getting bored yet? No? Well in the late afternoon it’s a spell in the sauna with someone like Rory or Hotdogs as they talk about themselves and then a cold shower. Then dinner. Then a one¬-on-one with someone outside.
Then a group discussion in the bedroom. Perhaps a session of some silly made-up game. Then an impromptu spa and shower. Then preparing for bed. Then being kept awake while a Vesna or Brigette run around giggling. Then sleep.
See – it’s boring to read let alone do day after day, week after week.
And you’ve got to improvise and be creative - if you’ve got a job it’s a blessing because it gives you something to do. That’s why I can’t understand people being lazy with chores.
If you can get others to join into your routine not the other way round that’s great. But the worst thing you can do is be by yourself - because the most important part of the game is staying in the loop. The golden rule is to be always chattering, always yakking, always prattling, always yapping.
This stops you being talked about and means you’re constantly working on your relationships.
Believe me you get sick of it. You start to value the few moments of solitude you get before sleep when you can finally shut up.
This unknown part of the BB experience is why boys cope better than girls – because boys can more readily do physical things. The kind of sexy girly-girls who get put on Big Brother don’t typically have a history of exercise.
And all this because if the housemates weren’t all thoroughly bored and constantly talking twaddle they wouldn’t fight or bitch or argue or squabble.
Yes, this year’s housemates will now have learned - of all the seven deadly sins upon which Big Brother relies Pride, Envy, Gluttony, Lust, Wrath, and Greed - the most important by far is Sloth.
And if they don’t want to go to eviction hell by doing or saying something dumb – they better learn to combat it - and fast.
