The Chinese may have spent hundreds of millions of dollars making their opening ceremony the best ever seen. But rather than focusing on the amazing technology, the intricate and expertly executed dance routines and the rich history of China, we’ve decided to engage in our oldest national sport – having a good old whinge.
The tracksuits. Since Friday, hundreds of thousands of words have been written, spoken and broadcast about pieces of material that covered our athletes when they walked into the stadium to represent their country at the elite level.
“Where’s the Green and Gold?” said Mavis Toenail from Umbadimadumba.
“They look like bloody icy poles!” said Norman Nesbitt Hargreaves from Woombadago.
All very important opinions on a very important topic.
But my only problem? If you’re going to kit the athletes out in tracksuits – do it properly!
So, for the 2012 Games in London, I will be submitting the following tender to the AOC for approval to deck our athletes in gear that truly reflects our Austrayaness.
Point 1 (Pants): All official Olympic tracksuits should have, as a rule, no less than three (3) holes in the arse aiding a) comfort and b) airflow (inbound and outbound).
Point 2 (Shirts): Traditional Australian designs should not be a garish Ken Done/Jenny Kee nightmare of fluro koalas on acid and harbour bridges floating in mid-air – rather, a simplistic and tasteful approach should be encouraged.
AC/DC, Jim Beam and KB Lager logos should be featured prominently – shirts must be purchased from dodgy markets.
Point 3 (Heavy wear): Lowes purchased flannelette shirts must be hoisted round the waist. (Sauce/oil stains optional, but encouraged).
Point 4 (Hats): Legionnaires caps in different varieties of 80s-combo styles. “Magpie eyes” must be installed on back of head.
Point 5 (Sunglasses): Service station only. Full wrap mirror frames encouraged.
Point 6 (Footwear): Double Pluggers, Desert boots, Volleys, KT26ers, are all permitted. (Under the proviso they are purchased on sale at Kmart).
Point 7 (Luggage): All Athletes must carry their personal effects in Fitness First bags.
There it is. I guarantee you Australia, this format will broker no argument.
